He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
