I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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