i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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