WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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