chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
