I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
