I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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