I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
