i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
