Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
