Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Randomize
