my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
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