Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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