what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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