That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
