I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
