textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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