I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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