We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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