Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
