I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
