is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Another day, another engagement, another cat
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
