they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
