I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You are a genius and a whore.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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