last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
