i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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