Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
