i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
