Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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