I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
