i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
