dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
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