Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
