You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
