here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Do vagina's smell?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
