I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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