Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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