1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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