Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
