Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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