in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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