i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
