I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
