FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
