Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
