If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
