Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Randomize
