How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
