How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
