i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
